Relationship Difficulties
Embarking on a new relationship often elicits intense feelings of excitement, passion, kinship and sexual attraction. New love can be intoxicating, leading many couples to initially feel that their love is unbreakable.
But, both practical concerns and personal issues frequently emerge over time, possibly dampening the warm feelings. Over time, relationships can sometimes become monotonous, dispassionate and even hostile, causing once passionate lovers to become more like business partners, roommates or even adversaries. As more time passes, they may struggle with the compromise that’s required for a healthy, successful relationship.
Tensions can develop and deepen in dysfunctional relationships. Feuding partners often refuse to listen to each other and incessantly fight, argue and bicker. They can feel they’re walking on eggshells around each other, worried that even the smallest conflict might erupt uncontrollably. When love becomes a war between wills, hurt feelings often ensue. Lacking comfort and fulfillment, either partner might look for love outside the relationship, perhaps turning to infidelity.
When couples seek help, they often do so out of a dismal, hopeless state. They may desperately want to fix their relationship, but wonder if their relationship can be saved or if it is even worth saving. You may wonder how the relationship got to this point and want to resolve the conflict present in the relationship, but find that your current methods of communication simply aren’t working.
Some Conflict Is Normal and Healthy
A little conflict is normal and may even be healthy. Any partnership, whether between roommates, coworkers or spouses, requires a degree of compromise. Conflict in these situations is inevitable, but can also be beneficial. It forces people from different backgrounds, personalities and value systems to collaborate and cooperate, often solving problems that couldn’t be solved otherwise.
However, too much conflict can be problematic, especially if it leads to stalemate. If you find that communication has broken down, a lack of respect exists between you and your partner or minor disagreements often blow up into major arguments, then it may be time to consult a couples counselor.
Couples Counseling Can Help Resolve Conflict and Improve Communication
An interest in pursuing couples counseling shows an interest in change and also shows that the relationship is very likely salvageable. There are new skills and insights that therapy can provide, which many patients feel make their partnerships more enjoyable, fulfilling and rewarding.
In my practice I use a psychodynamic approach to help couples express and define their needs, while also reflecting on their expectations. It is important to explore whether needs and expectations are being met and whether they are reasonable and rational. It is also helpful for couples to understand why they communicate the way they do and how their communication style might negatively impact their relationship. In addition, I encourage each member of a couple to take an in-depth look at themselves and their partner in order to determine the source and nature of their conflict. It is very important to be able to explore one’s life stories and one’s history and talk through any traumas experienced in the past. Through this approach, many come to realize their feelings about their present relationship are actually related to feelings about themselves. Many find that things like poor self-image or the effects of a previous relationship are causing them to cling too tightly or withdraw from their partners. In a safe, nonjudgmental environment, I help couples identify and work through negative thoughts and emotions so that the past no longer haunts their current or future relationships. Lastly, I help identify and understand attachment styles to see whether clinging or avoidance may be causing destructive patterns of behavior.
With the help of couples counseling, it’s possible to learn how to communicate in healthier ways and improve conflict resolution so that minor disagreements don’t erupt into major arguments. Couples can begin to understand and appreciate each other’s experiences, needs and emotions. By listening to and understanding each other’s needs, couples can restore fulfillment and passion, bringing a renewed sense of understanding and generosity back into the relationship.
Frequent Questions and Concerns About Counseling
Embarking on the therapy process requires a lot of earnest introspection, foresight and courage. Too often fear of the unknown, along with a healthy dose of cynicism and skepticism, keep some individuals from doing things in their own best interest. This is to be expected, as there’s bound to be a natural hesitation involved when one tries something challenging and unfamiliar. The following represents some common anxieties patients have expressed about couples counseling in the past:
Lack of hope:
Many who are struggling in their relationship will eschew the idea of couples counseling because they misguidedly believe their relationship is beyond redemption. However, there’s hope for even the most defunct relationship. If two mature adults really want their relationship to succeed and are willing to express themselves and listen to their partners, then they’ll likely make great strides in their relationship through couples counseling.
Worries about shame and blame:
When couples begin talking about therapy as a means to repair their relationship, one partner may initially refuse to participate, perhaps fearing he or she will feel shame or be blamed for the problems in the relationship.
However, one should try not to feel ashamed or guilty, as almost all couples experience conflict to some extent. Furthermore, I strive to create a safe, blame-free, nonjudgmental atmosphere in which couples can discuss problems with an unbiased professional therapist who can serve as a mediator. No one will ever be blamed for relationship difficulties. In fact, many couples find that both parties contribute equally to conflict.
Concerns about time commitment:
There are some individuals who deny themselves treatment because they feel they don’t have enough time. But considering the importance of the relationship, it’s probably worth devoting time each week toward resolving conflict. One wouldn’t avoid going to the cardiologist because he or she was “too busy.” Mental health shouldn’t be treated any differently.
Free Phone Consultation
Most couples can restore fulfillment with the help of a professional therapist. Please feel free to call me at (212) 254-3145 for a free 15-minute phone consultation. We can discuss whether couples counseling might be a viable option and address any questions about the therapy process.